Ditch the Emotional Baggage

"All great spirituality is about what we do with our pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will transmit it to those around us."– Richard Rohr

Emotional baggage. We all carry it. You know what I am talking about. Someone said something to you in grade school, and now you are self-conscious about your appearance. Kids made fun of you, so you became withdrawn. Your parents did not have a lot of money, so wealth is not achievable for you. One parent was hard on you; the other was passive. Now you are insecure and overcompensate. The emotional baggage sneaks up on you. Before you know it, you are carrying around heavy weights of shame, blame, guilt, distrust, resentment, and regret to name a few. This emotional baggage is then manifested in fear, worry, doubt, anger, depression, and stagnation. It weighs you down undermining your potential. You plod along through life often not recognizing your emotional baggage or its effects. You keep falling into the hole in the sidewalk.

Caregiving adds another dimension to this phenomenon exaggerating our rehearsed response. Your Loved One yells at you and has outbursts of anger. You take it personally and respond in like kind or in self-condemnation. Your Loved One is distant and you feel unlovable convincing yourself of a self-made reality. The difference for caregivers is that our reactive response is more potent, damaging, and has an increased negative span of effect.

What should we do with this emotional baggage that is not serving us well? How do we stop the cycle and avoid the “land minds” of emotional baggage reactivity? Empty the suitcase! Release the emotional baggage! Let it go!

The Power of Release

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul."– Brigitte Nicole

Portia Nelson was an American singer-songwriter and actress and author. Her poem aptly describes the power of release.

An Autobiography in Five Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost….I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I fall in….it’s a habit…but my eyes are open.

I know where I am. It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down a different street.

Release is a profoundly powerful action to remove emotional baggage. But exactly how do you release emotional baggage? Before we discuss the three suggestions below, let me interject a caveat. Certainly, some situations require professional intervention. Seek professional help as necessary. This content is aimed at common life challenges that are mishandled and build into a mountainous emotional barrier. Also, this content is aimed for the caregiver – addressing your emotional baggage. We cannot correct the emotional baggage of our Loved One. This might seem contrary. After all, isn’t this the point? Isn’t it by our Loved One changing that we finally experience peace and contentment? The truth is – that is not the pathway because you will experience another similar event that will once again trigger your emotional baggage response. So, release your emotional baggage!

Understand your perception.

You start your life journey fully equipped, free of emotional baggage. As you begin to experience life, make choices, and respond to life events you pack unresolved issues into your emotional baggage. Often the weight of the baggage is not noticeable until your adult life. By then, you have overstuffed your emotional baggage causing it to spill out on yourself and others leaving a trail of impactful damage.

How does this happen? Thoughts create feelings. Feelings create attitude. Attitudes create belief. And belief creates perception. It is through your perception of life events that you began to absorb emotional baggage distorting your whole, perfectly created beings.

Change your mental dialogue.

While caregiving we experience heightened, emotional responses. Our Loved One requires an increasing amount of physical, mental, and emotional care. We feel isolation, depression, and resentment. Our mental dialogue lingers on phrases of pity, insecurity, inadequacy, anger, frustration, and irritation. On and on goes the mental dialogue. Everyday. All the time creating a mental and emotional reality based on your perception. I do the same. We all do it.

What if you change your mental dialogue? How does that diffuse the situation? It certainly does not stop the disease spilling out of your Loved One. It does change your perception and, hence, your response. Change your mental dialogue from one of negativity to acknowledging that your loved one does or says what they know at the time. Rather than ruminating, choose uplifting phrases that acknowledge your value.

Tell yourself a different story.

Ruminating—dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings—leads to further distress. And worse, ruminating inevitable leads to the second arrow. What is the second arrow? The second arrow is the meaning that you give to the first arrow or offense. It is your reaction and emotional response. It is more painful than the first arrow. The first arrow is often out of your control while the second arrow is in your control. For example, your loved one snaps angrily at you when you were merely trying to help. This is the first arrow. It is painful. You respond emotionally by snapping back or by internalizing—I can’t go anything right. This is the second arrow. It brings more pain but is in your control. Acknowledge the pain and recognize your choice to respond externally and internally. It is not about never experiencing pain. You do have the power to minimize the second arrow of pain. Each time you choose not to shoot the second arrow, you free yourself.

“Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.” – Paulo Coelho

Are you ready to release the emotional baggage that is weighing you down? Are you willing to change your perception, your mental dialogue, and your story? Walk down a different street. You will find sweet release!

Karen Leeman

Founder of Resonate Skincare

Nourish your skin, nourish your soul