How Despair is a Force of Strength

Have you ever felt like you’re teetering on the edge of a precipice—a jagged edge of despair? I’m not referring to clinical depression or a medical diagnosis, but rather the normal, natural mental and emotional strain that comes with informal caregiving, leaving us feeling exhausted, misunderstood, and emotionally drained.

The journey of informal caregiving is not linear. It’s not a continuous flow of happiness and self-sacrifice, nor is it a never-ending cycle of drudgery and despair. In my experience, caregiving tends to fluctuate between these two extremes, with sharp spikes of joy and deep valleys of despair. For me, the moments of despair often feel like they plummet and last longer. However, even in these difficult times, informal caregiving remains a role I desire. The level of care doesn't diminish; it may even become more intense. It's just that the role becomes overshadowed by feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion. When standing on the precipice of despair, the following three interconnected statements often come to mind:

“I feel hopeless”

Though the feeling of hopelessness comes in waves, when it is present, it is a permeating feeling of despair. You feel that nothing is right and nothing will ever be right again. Perhaps you feel that your care is not enough. Maybe you feel stuck in the system—unable to receive assistance because the disease hasn’t progressed enough or financial criteria haven’t been met. While the limits of medical and financial assistance programs are necessary, they can still leave informal caregivers feeling stranded and without support.

“I am not heard”

Do you feel that your voice is suppressed? It is as if you live in a soundproof glass box, desperately voicing your needs and those of your loved one, yet no one seems to hear. Validation of concerns expressed by informal caregivers is essential. We need to know that our perspectives matter. Even if a solution isn't immediately available, recognizing the caregiver’s experience and acknowledging the impact of our loved one’s condition is crucial to our overall well-being.

“I am overwhelmed”

The overwhelm caregivers experience goes far beyond surface-level stress; it sinks deep into the soul, creating a persistent, aching exhaustion that affects us emotionally, mentally, and physically. Caregivers are often expected to provide not just social and emotional support and assist with daily activities, but also to take on tasks outside their expertise, such as administering injections or performing wound care, often with little guidance or support. This immense responsibility—whether self-imposed, shaped by societal expectations, or driven by the care needs of our loved ones—creates a deep, all-consuming sense of overwhelm that is impossible to ignore.

Cycling through these interconnected thoughts is a normal and natural experience for informal caregivers. However, when we get stuck in these patterns of rumination, it can become harmful to our well-being. Here are three suggestions to help break free from this cycle of despair.

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” - Ernest Hemingway

Engage in Personal Transformation

Think of despair as an opportunity for personal transformation. Hopelessness can make us feel trapped, as if we're locked in a cage with no way out. Yet, this overwhelming sense of despondency is often accompanied by false beliefs that can keep us from seeing a way forward.

“If Only…”

If only my life were different, then I would be _____ (happy, fulfilled, free, etc.). If only I were younger, older, thinner, heavier, had hair, had different hair, had a better job, did not need to work . . . You get the drift. We all visit “if only” periodically. It is lingering in this state of longing that leads to despair. The solution is to practice letting these thoughts float by, like clouds in the sky, without getting caught up in them. Instead of dwelling on what could be, shift your focus to what is—embracing the present moment and finding peace in the here and now.

“When-Then”

Similarly, “when-then” is a mindset that suggests, When A happens, then B can happen. It’s a belief pattern rooted in the idea that when circumstances change, my life will change. On the surface, it seems logical—after all, caregivers face emotional outbursts, relationship shifts, and overwhelming stress, all of which take a heavy toll, leading to fatigue and burnout. However, the “when-then” mindset is ultimately a limiting belief. It’s the very constraints of things beyond our control that can drive us to make internal changes and live our best life—our best self—right now, regardless of external circumstances.

Every experience—joyful or painful—serves to transform your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, and actions. Rather than waiting for conditions to be just right, start living your best life now.

• Set a daily intention. For example: Today, I intend to be kind to myself by setting and keeping boundaries.

• Start small. Often, our goals are not met because we jump straight to the finish line. For example, if nutrition is your goal, it is not achieved with lasting endurance by changing eating habits all at once. Start with an easily achievable goal—such as drinking a glass of water before meals. Once that is consistently achieved, add another small goal.

• Loving self-kindness is key. In Your New Beginning with Ayurveda, Arthur Gomez writes, “We need to learn to be compassionate with ourselves and to recognize the limits we face. The only chance to change something in the long term is to treat ourselves lovingly.”
  

Acknowledge Your Suffering

Acknowledge your suffering to counter the feeling of being unheard. Western culture often promotes a “push it down, suck it up, keep going” mentality. After all, someone else always has it worse, right? But suppressing your pain only leads to more harm. It’s crucial to acknowledge that the pain and suffering you face as a caregiver are valid. Just because your voice may not be heard or your pain overlooked doesn’t make it any less real.

Mourning—outwardly expressing your pain and suffering—is essential to caregiver well-being. Moments of uncontrollable crying, confiding in a friend, or working out especially hard are all forms of mourning and release. So go ahead—embrace your pain and suffering. Let it wash over you. For mourning, you see, is the path to healing.

Prioritize Yourself

To counter overwhelm, prioritize yourself. It’s a simple truth, yet it often feels contradictory—prioritizing our own self-care and cultivating love for ourselves is the key to effectively caring for others. Yet, how often have you neglected your own needs, put yourself last, or downplayed something that truly mattered to you? How long will you allow yourself—or others—to sabotage your mental, physical, emotional, and energetic well-being? What thoughts are you internalizing, either through your own self-talk or as a reaction to your circumstances?

Here are tips to start prioritizing yourself:

• Set boundaries and stick to them. There is more within our control than we often realize. It is within our power to establish limits and boundaries. Unless absolutely necessary, give yourself time—just ten minutes—to reset before moving forward.

• Create space. Set an intention to identify a physical space, however small, reserved solely for you to replenish, refresh, and rejuvenate. This could be a favorite chair, a room, a patio, or even just your car.

• Take breaks. When possible, step away from caregiving—even if only for a moment—when you feel depleted. Refocus. Center yourself. Breathe deeply. This simple practice does wonders to reset your nervous system.
  

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychologist, and philosopher, is best known as a Holocaust survivor. Enduring inhumane conditions and psychological warfare, Frankl exemplifies that our current circumstances do not define us. We have the power to rise above and choose our own path. I In Man’s Search for Meaning, he writes, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” He goes on to say, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Let periods of despair become a source of strength and transformation in your life.