Monsters In My Life

Informal caregiving can make a person feel like the ball in a pinball machine. Batted about by life circumstances, life seems out of control. Medication changes, insurance woes, behavioral issues, and more act like flippers where we bounce between life monsters such as guilt, shame, resentment, fatigue. While occasionally we score big with periods of joy, happiness, and calm, the monsters in our life can be overcome. Read on to learn about three monsters that informal caregivers face and how to overcome them.

Caregiving is unpredictable. For those of us, like me, who thrive on routine, Unknown raises its paralyzing tentacles of fear. You can’t plan for the unknown. You can’t foresee the unknown. It just smacks you in the face; and there you are having to face the Unknown monster... again.

The monster of unknown can show up in the most unsuspecting ways...

• An innocent comment to your loved one, and their response is harsh, out of character.

• You acclimate to your loved one’s medication routine and their accompanying side effects only to have medication changes occur.

• Disease progression is arbitrary. When does disease move from one stage to another? How do I recognize its silent progression? What if I miss the signs of progression?

On and on go the endless questions in our minds. Second guessing ourselves becomes our nature. Ironically, the more we second guess, the more Unknown wreaks havoc in our mind. Guard yourself by utilizing these strategies to fiend off the fierceness of Unknown.

Recognize that the unknown is common among humanity.

It is not isolated to informal caregivers. Certainly, prevalent are insecurities about job loss and financial instability. There is concern about the unknown future of our children and grandchildren. Additionally, informal caregivers are plagued with the unknown. Will this treatment plan be effective? How will I be able to cope with disease progression? Will my job hold out? Just as meteorologists predict the weather, we try to predict the future to be prepared. If scenario “A” happens, then “X” is the plan. If scenario “B” happens, then “Y” is the plan. If scenario “C” happens, then “Z” is the plan. While being prepared is advisable, composing possible scenarios and outcomes in our mind is exhausting. Learn to balance preparedness with the realization that some things remain unknown. “A hero,” per Tom Hanks, “is somebody who voluntarily walks into the unknown.” You are the hero.

The unknown is an opportunity to equip yourself with knowledge. 

American writer H.P. Lovecraft said, “The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” Whatever unknown you are facing in your caregiving journey, educate yourself as much as possible. There are innumerable sources of available information. The MS Society, the Alzheimer’s Association, and the ALS Association, for example, are excellent resources for acquiring and understanding their respective diseases and its progression. If applicable to you, take advantage of social workers. They offer a wealth of knowledge and resources. Support groups, rather online or in-person, are yet another outlet for sharing and gaining insight. Remember, knowledge is light, and light diminishes the darkness of fear.

The unknown shifts our perspective.

English writer and philosopher Aldous Huxley writes, “There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.” Unknown enjoys rearing its head encapsulating us in fear. Perception, though, can shift our fear to curiosity, understanding, or even compassion. For instance, perhaps you are living in uncertainty about the future loss of mobility of your loved one. This unknown fear captivates inviting dread and despair. Shifting your perspective allows you to explore creative solutions and opens the gateway to see life from the vantage point of your loved one.

Failure as a caregiver is a genuine monster that lurks around taking advantage of the good-spirited, kind-hearted caregiver.

Experiencing a season of overwhelm? Failure is ready to pounce on you! Not getting enough sleep! That is a ripe environment for Failure. It doesn’t take much for Failure to take hold; and once it does, its grip tightens choking out your once bright, focused spirit.

Here are frequent thoughts of failure:

·       What if I miss a sign of decline?

·       What if I run an errand and my loved one falls?

·       What if I can’t afford or qualify for home care?

·       What if my loved one experiences a silent aspiration?

·       What if my health declines?

·       What if we become financially insolvent and lose our home?

Of course, there are remedies such as installing assistive devices, enlisting the help of family and friends, or getting disease specific training. Nonetheless, Failure is right around the corner waiting for the perfect opportunity.

I am reminded of a book I read to my children when they were young. It is called “Very Worried Walrus” by Richard Hefter. It is a story about a walrus who is afraid to ride a bike. Walrus, paralyzed by Failure and fear entertains scenarios that might happen should he ride a bike. The scenarios are conjured in his imagination and are wildly unrealistic, In the end, coaxed by his friends, Walrus rides the bike experiencing joy and pleasure.

See the good in Failure.

Of course that is just a children’s story, but isn’t it a great illustration of our caregiver tendencies? Rather than dwelling on possible scenarios of failure, what if Failure was a friend encouraging us to examine our current state of mind? What if Failure was an opportunity, an awakening, a realization? Failure is an effective tool to transform our thinking, to perfect our inner soul, and acts as an impetus to move forward. Not in a vain, forced positive thinking mode; but in recognizing our strengths and limitations. Failure teaches us that perfection is not the goal. Self-care is vital for our mental and emotional well-being. And Failure is the path to growth.

Recognize Failure as a change agent.

There is no such thing as a perfect caregiver. As rewarding as caregiving is, it is not a utopic state of being. You will make mistakes. You will experience stress and fatigue. And Failure will be right there eager to drag you down into a pit of despair. Now, though, you know to resist those wildly, unrealistic thoughts and to embrace Failure as a change agent for your betterment. Let the words of Tom Krause sink in: “There are no failures – just experiences and your reactions to them.”

Lethargy, also known as caregiver burnout, is quite debilitating. The irony of Lethargy is to combat it quickly and swiftly. Yet its effect of exhaustion and overwhelm are so powerful making that monster challenging to overcome. Rather, informal caregivers tend to keep pushing forward serving to increase the devasting grip of Lethargy.

When the care for your loved one exceeds the care for yourself, it creates a ripe environment for lethargy or caregiver burnout.

Lethargy is a state of exhaustion affecting informal caregivers mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

You might recognize some of the following symptoms of Lethargy:

• Fatigue

• Lack of sleep or interrupted sleep

• Weakened immune system

• Heightened emotions

• Lack of motivation

It is important for informal caregivers to understand that caregiver burnout and lethargy are common. Do not be hard on yourself if you identify with its symptoms. Neither should you ignore the symptoms. Certainly, seek professional help as needed. Here are some ways to negate the effects of Lethargy.

Be in nature

Nature has a calming effect. Regardless of life circumstances, nature continues its cyclical cycle. Being in nature changes one’s perspective, refreshes the soul, and acts as a reset button.

Incorporate affirmations

Affirmations serve to rephrase our mind. Use affirmations to replace your negative self-talk. When practiced regularly and when the statements are felt and believed, affirmations have a powerful transforming effect over time.

Listen to calming music

Music has the capability of redirecting our emotions. Its soothing effect works to relieve tension and stress.

Exercise regularly

Exercise is known to increase serotonin, the feel-good hormone. Exercise has a host of benefits including improved mood, sleep, and energy.

Be kind to yourself

Just simply be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Breathe deeply. Look in the mirror and say something kind to yourself about yourself. Do something that you enjoy even if it is just five minutes a day.

What monsters do you face in your informal caregiver role? How do you overcome them? Leave a comment!

The author of this blog post does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.