Three Tips on Grieving Other Losses

Most people are acquainted with the grief that comes after the death of a loved one. But did you know that there are many types of grief that are non-death related. You have likely suffered at least one non-death grief experience even though you may not have recognized it as grief. Relationships, family fracture, diagnosis, job loss, divorce, and separation are all forms of grief loss. Not commonly recognized by Western society, these non-death losses are often as impactful as the loss associated with the passing of a loved one. In fact, the grief associated with these non-death losses can be quite devastating partly because they are not generally recognized or understood by yourself or by society.

“Grief is like the ocean; It comes in waves; ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” - Vicki Harrison

Grief is a normal aspect of caregiving. In fact, while you are caregiving, grief is pretty much an everyday experience. Ambiguous grief, hidden grief, and reciprocal suffering are types of losses experienced by informal caregivers. You may recognize yourself floating in and out of these losses during your caregiving journey.

Ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief in caregiving is the sense of losing a loved one who is still living. It is grieving the loss of physical ability, cognition, emotional connection, or mental capacity of your loved one. It is the recognition that your loved one is no longer the same person in full or in part.

Hidden grief. Hidden grief happens when you recognize changes in your loved one, but these changes are not recognized by the outside world. For example, you see behavior that is outside of your loved one’s norm, but to the outside world your loved one appears normal. Your loved one may look and act normal. Your loved one may convince medical professionals that they are fine. But what you see and experience daily paints a different picture. The reality of your experience versus the lack of external validation, sets the stage for questioning yourself. Hidden grief may even lead you to change your perception of reality in agreement with your loved one and external perceptions.

Reciprocal suffering. Reciprocal suffering is the culmination of physical, social, spiritual, and psychological distresses of informal caregivers. While reciprocal suffering is largely associated with hospice or terminally ill loved ones, it applies in a general sense to all informal caregivers. Who among us does not, at some point in the caregiving journey, begin to take on the physical, mental, or emotional suffering of their loved one as if it were their own? Reciprocal suffering also recognizes the suffering that arises from informal caregiving such as anxiety, depression, relationship deterioration, suppressed career, and lack of personal fulfillment apart from caregiving

Ambiguous grief, hidden grief, and reciprocal suffering are rooted in other, less pronounced losses. Perhaps losses like the ones noted below are the driving force of your grief.

Loss of Independence. Loss of independence includes the inability to freely navigate your life without hindrance. Maybe you gave up your career. Or time with family and friends is lacking. Or you just do not have the freedom to come and go like you did prior to caregiving. Ashley Horst conveys, “The hidden cost of chronic and progressive diseases though is the loss of independence for their caregivers.”2

Loss of Control. Absorbing the emotional trauma of others results in feeling that your life is outside your control. Identifying with the physical, mental, and cognitive loss of your loved one and lacking the capacity to change their unhinged, emotional response causes the informal caregiver to sense a loss of control.

Loss of Relationship. In the caregiving journey relationships shift from what they once were to a care recipient – caregiver relationship. The relationship is awkward and clumsy, and emotional connection is lost. Lisa Goich-Andreadis states it eloquently. “The day the roles reverse is foreign. It’s a clumsy dance of love and responsibility, not wanting to cross any lines of respect. It’s honoring this person who gave their life to you – not to mention literally gave you life – and taking their fragile body in your hands like a newborn, tending to their every need.” While this quote implies a parent-child relationship, the clumsy dance of caregiving and its respective loss of relationship applies to all relationships.

Loss of Aptness. Caregivers are thrust into a world beyond their comfort zone and field of expertise. Ranging from medical equipment, patient transfer, implanted medical devices, medication management, and mental and behavioral challenges, caregivers are faced with immense responsibility. The enormity of the responsibility can be overwhelming creating a sense of questioning in one’s ability to caregive. In turn, confidence diminishes flirting with a loss of aptness.

Loss of Identity. Engulfment in the caregiver role, an aspect of identity loss, leads to identifying as a caregiver rather than as an individual. While any caregiver can succumb to engulfment, studies show that caregiver engulfment is most prevalent among spouses, females, and younger caregivers. Loss of identity manifests in ways such as absorption in the caregiver role which leads to guilt and a feeling of being trapped in the role. Boundaries are essential to combat loss of identity.

In large part, we are grief adverse. We just want grief to go away. We want our life back. On the other hand, blasé faire may set in. You feel unmotivated, blah, and generally indifferent. Also, grief is not linear. There are not clear-cut stages. Grief is more like scribbled artwork. You feel sad, angry, and depressed while also moving forward and coping. Take heart in this perspective from Earl Grollman, “Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, spiritual, and physical necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” Here are three tips for caregiver grief.

1. Find purpose. Grief affords personal transformation. When we listen to our grief and allow ourselves to mourn, transformation happens over time. We see life, and more importantly, ourselves in a different perspective. Furthermore, grief serves to demonstrate the immense love you experience with your loved one. A love of this nature is a precious, immeasurable force. Cry. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Be kind to yourself. Then cycle yourself back to a state of love and laughter.

2. Find strength. Grief invites resilience. It is the impetus for self-kindness and the pathway to resounding vigor. Know that you are not alone in your grief. Caregivers experience periods of grief or ongoing grief. Stand strong in your convictions. Take time to replenish and rejuvenate your own well-being.

3. Find release. Learn to mourn. Mourning is the outward expression of our internal grief. Mourning is our pathway to healing. Cry. Go for a run. Soak in the tub. Talk with a close friend. Join a support group. Seek professional counsel. Allow grief to work its way out. There is no shame in grief or mourning. It is a beautiful scar of loving and being loved.

For further insight into non-death losses in your love, check out Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s book, The Other Losses – Acknowledging and Mourning All Your Losses Along Life’s Path. This book is available at: https://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore/other-losses/

Wishing you wellness,

Karen

The content of this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition or disease. This book is not intended as a substitute for consultation with a licensed practitioner. Please consult with your own physician or healthcare specialist regarding the suggestions and recommendations made in this blog. The use of this blog implies your acceptance of this disclaimer.