Three Ways to Make Your Thoughts Work for You

“Much more surprising things can happen to anyone who, when a disagreeable or discouraged thought comes into his mind, just has the sense to remember in time and push it out by putting in an agreeable, determinedly courageous one. Two things cannot be in one place.” – Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

Thinking is a powerful force of energy, perhaps the most powerful force. Your thoughts are in your control. No one makes you think a thought.

On average, individuals have 6,000 thoughts every day. Some experts say that number is much higher, ranging from 50,000 – 70,000 thoughts per day. More importantly, of the average number of daily thoughts, experts say that 80% of those thoughts are negative, and 95% of thoughts are repetitive. The point is, there are many thoughts firing every day. Many of these thoughts float by unnoticed; some are grabbed onto. Here is a typical scenario:

Look at the sunrise! Isn’t it beautiful!... Oh, did I defrost meat for supper tonight?... I did not sleep well last night. I am definitely getting a large coffee this morning!... Oh, yes, I need to reschedule my dental appointment... Hey, I messaged my friend two days ago and have not heard anything. She must be mad at me because I did not comment on her post. Well, she can just be mad. I cannot be there for everyone. Why can’t she understand that?

Do you see what happened? Thoughts float by, seemingly unnoticed, in a constant stream. Many thoughts simply pass by, but some are held onto, and more thoughts, emotions, and perceptions are added to the original thought. Caregiving accentuates the tendency of the mind to focus on the negative and constantly repeat the made-up story. Stories like: I cannot do this anymore! If my loved one explodes one more time, I am finished! The grief is too overwhelming! No one understands what I am going through!

What if there were a way to retrain the mind? To control the repetitive, negative thoughts? To lessen their impact? It might sound silly, but the alternative is to be caught in the repetitive cycle of negativity. Joseph Murphy says, in The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, “Never finish a negative statement; reverse it immediately, and wonders will happen in your life.” That is the challenging simplicity. It takes intentional effort to stop or reverse the negative thought.

Here are three ways to make your thoughts work for you:

1.     Avoid the When-Then Syndrome

Why is it so difficult to stop negative thoughts and reverse their devastating impact? I believe the when-then syndrome contributes to this challenge. The when-then syndrome is a belief pattern that says, "when circumstances change, then I will change my thinking." This is particularly challenging for caregivers. Bombarded by emotional outbursts, physical constraints, co-dependency, and relational disconnect to name a few, caregivers face an onslaught of suffering. You push down the pain. You tell yourself such negative, hurtful stories of not being loved, not being good enough. The cycle continues until you decide to take control of your thoughts viewing your suffering in a different light.

Victor Frankl, an Australian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, believed that suffering is one way of finding meaning in life. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl penned these words:

“We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation... we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Victor Frankl

 2.     Accept Limitations

It seems contrary, but accepting the limitations of your loved one creates freedom. Acceptance is not giving up. Acceptance is not denial. Acceptance is recognition, acknowledgement that from this moment on life is in a constant state of change. If you let it, acceptance brings personal change.

Particularly in my adult years, I unknowingly sought love from the validation of others. So, when my loved one’s disease progressed and emotional disconnect increased, I was devastated. Without validation, I did not feel loved. This feeling became thoughts—deep, depressive thoughts. These thoughts spiraled out of control spreading tentacles into other life relationships. Thankfully, through reflection and the teachings of renown thought leaders, I turned course. I learned that I am not what others think of me. I am a unique creation with gifts and talents to give to the world. And so are you.

Acceptance of the disease limitations of our loved ones frees caregivers to confront their own limited thinking. Are you dealing with emotional detachment, physical inability, cognitive impairment, anger outbursts? Grief these losses and allow them to be the impetus for your personal growth. You will experience a greater depth of freedom and thought control than previously known.

3.     Embrace Dichotomy

Negative thoughts are a normal part of caregiving. Even though negative thoughts are a typical response to stress, studies show that caregivers chide themselves with guilt over thoughts such as:

I have no life of my own.

I cannot continue to do this.

I wish this were over.

I just want to run away.

Conversely, caregivers also express an enormous sense of fulfillment from caregiving. There is joy in caring for a loved one. It brings a sense of fulfillment to give back particularly to someone who once cared for you. There is satisfaction in caregiving and knowing that your loved one is receiving excellent care.

Often these negative and positive thoughts conflict with one another. This vicious cycle of apparent dichotomous negative and positive leads to increased stress, disease, and burnout. Rather than trying to negate negative thinking (quite impossible), learn to rephrase negative and positive thoughts connecting them with the word “and” rather than “but” such as these phrases from Healthy Holistic Living.

You are resilient and need a break.

You gave your all and need to back out.

You are independent and still need others.

You were unsure and things changed.

You are kind and have boundaries.

Others have it worse and your pain is valid.

You did your best and now you know more.

Change the vernacular of the mind. In the world of caregiving, it is one aspect within your control. Use the powerful force of thought to your good.

Karen Leeman

Founder of Caregiver2Caregiver and Resonate Skincare

"Nourish your soul, nourish your skin"

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This series of Wellness Wealth explores various modalities of health for unpaid caregivers. Your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health are immensely important and yet overwhelmingly overlooked due to the enormous demands placed on you while caring for your loved one. The Wellness Wealth series explores avenues of self-care that require minimal time, effort, and expense while offering tremendous stress-reducing results. Please note: this blog is not medical advice. Please consult your physician for medical or mental health conditions.