What is Ambiguous Grief?

Many of us have heard of the commonly identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But less common in discussions of grief are the different types of grief.

Some of the various kinds of grief are as follows: normal grief, absent grief, ambiguous grief, delayed grief, complicated grief, and cumulative grief. You can find explanations of these types of grief via this link. This article focuses on ambiguous grief, a type of grief particularly relevant to caregivers.

Ambiguous grief is a loss without closure or clear understanding, such as grief when soldiers are missing in action, infertility, or a life-altering diagnosis. As caregivers, ambiguous grief often occurs due to a loved one’s loss of physical, emotional, or psychological ability even though the loved one is still living. To further complicate the caregiver’s sense of ambiguous care, guilt often accompanies the grief adding to the difficulty of processing the loss. Read on to learn how to care for yourself amid this grief.

Caring for the Caregiver Inside of Us

Dr. Pauline Boss describes ambiguous grief as having a physical absence with a physiological presence; the term has since been expanded to include a physical presence but a psychological absence.

Physical diagnosis or accidents steal away part of our loved ones. This sense of loss manifests in caregivers as ambiguous grief. As we process the loss of capabilities (physical, emotional, psychological, or a combination), we must discover who we are apart from our loved one even while they are still with us.

Ambiguous grief is not something to be overcome; we must walk through it. But we can walk through it a little easier by putting soft landing places, people to walk with us, and restoration points along our journey.

Give It a Name

When we name grief, fear of the unknown begins to diminish. Giving a name to the grief helps us understand our relationship to those feelings so that they no longer define us. Practice daily or moment by moment naming your grief. For example, “Right now I feel a sense of loss at my loved one’s aloofness. I do not feel the same level of connectivity that we once experienced. It is normal to feel this way. I accept this loss knowing that I am enough. I am valuable. I am significant.” When we understand we are feeling our way through something normal and something others feel too, we do not feel isolated.

Moving Towards Acceptance

Acceptance does not replace or give the missing closure that defines ambiguous grief. But in the void created by the lack of closure, acceptance can make the suffering a little less acute.

● Acceptance looks at the new reality honestly.

● Acceptance does not ignore the loss.

● Acceptance adapts to the new reality and responsibilities.

●

Of all the stages of grief, acceptance is the one with the most fluctuations and is in no way linear.

Enter Into a Supportive Community

A way to embrace acceptance is to receive support. When the feelings of fight or flight try to war with acceptance, finding stability in the joy of being with other people is an option of how to weather the storms.

Build Capacity with Golden Memories

Our capacity for joy builds when we learn to return to joy from big emotions. One of the ways this can be done is by starting a journal of "Golden Memories." Write down how you felt in this memory -the smells, the flavors, the feelings.

These are the mountain top memories of peace and joy. They can be memories separate from each other or together. Reading through this journal can be a way to build joy together and establish written memories that help keep the relationship alive forever.

Be Kind to Yourself

Our inner critic can be so loud. Be kind to yourself; caregiving is a journey of learning how to live life differently. It is often overwhelming and overwhelm often turns into tunnel vision.

When tunnel vision starts to overwhelm, that is the time to ask for help. A therapist, support group, or taking a break by asking someone else to fill in as a caregiver for a time can help open our gaze to the world and acceptance.

Caregiving does not have to completely isolate us, but it will require work to make sure that your grief is processed and not internalized. Here is a starter list of caregiving support groups that meet in person or online. Remember, you are not alone.

Written by Whitney Creath